Not as in "Grade D, but edible" or "Where's the...?" but as in the glitter rock joy boy of Brian De Palma's midnight movie version of The Phantom of the Opera, The Phantom of the Paradise. As in the most recent addition to my drawer of cinematic chatharses (and yes, I just had to look up the plural form of catharsis). Such illustrious titles as West Side Story, Ghostbusters, The Money Pit, and Muppets from Space already inhabit this drawer and after much prodding from AssRay, I finally settled down with this 1974 gem.

And let me tell you, I was a tough audience today, it being that one day in the month where a spoonful of nutella is necessary to make the Midol go down. But this movie was better than a whole jar of nutella, mostly because of Gerrit Graham's portrayal of Beef, the glam shock rocker who gets zapped pretty early on by the composer who should've read up on intellectual property law before he handed over his songs to the evil record producer Swan (and was subsequently squashed by a record press.)

My favorite Beef quote: "I know drug real from real real!"

So, a recent post on Shrimp'n'Grits struck a chord with some of the ideas, anxieties, and observations that have been rumbling around in my brain for a few years now. I am 10 days away from being 27 years-old. And 10 days away from being a married woman. With both birthdays and weddings being laden with certain expectations, it doesn't seem so improbable that I have been a bit melancholy these past few weeks. I am not depressed or despairing. I am not raging or fearful or bitter. I just occasionally get a little pang of sadness that does not make me want to cry or run away, but simply take notice.

I have been struggling since I moved to France with this sort of woman-child persona I awkwardly developed into, pulled constantly between my socially exuberant youthfulness and my quietly reflective nesting instinct. But really, these two sides of me have always cohabitated, even when I was a little girl. The only thing that changes is what my culture expects of me at a given age. Or at least how I choose to perceive this.

From about the age of 16, I felt pretty much obliged to make myself available. To secure the prize of "Busiest Girl". Somewhere around 24, this social competitiveness lost its luster. I let the excess begin to slide away… the friends that weren't close enough, the activities that weren't interesting enough, the philosophies that weren't resistant enough. I was tired of waking up dry-mouthed on weekdays, the last night's parties still quarantined somewhere in my digestive track.

But I wasn't about to go cold turkey. However, with a total uprooting, a change in relationship status, and professional status, and cultural environment, it's what I ended up doing. My first year here definitely shoved me into adulthood without asking my opinion. And while I have desperately (and sometimes pathetically) tried to recover a bit of my party girl aura (which may or may not have ever existed), I've suddenly arrived at a moment in my life that reeks of abandonment.

In France, they refer to a bachelorette party as the "burial of the girl life". I wore black to mine. But I am also not ready to accept the fact that becoming a "woman", an adult woman, a married woman means that the girl part of me will every truly go away. After all, to break in my wedding shoes, I've developed a system of trying to learn the step routine from the new Sean Paul video. Of course, my aging body collides occasionally with my girly antics, as I threw my back out last week rioting to the Sex Pistols alone in my living room.

And let's not forget about the frequent mental lapses of names and dates and times. My parents always told me I had a photographic memory, but now I feel as if this memory has set up camp on the tip of my tongue.

But one of the cool things that comes with this brain aging is the stoic acceptance of life that can be somewhat surprising to this firey Aries. I remember writing in my journal once when I was in high school, a sort of note to adult self, "Be sure to tell your daughter 'This too shall pass.'" And I think that I am now ready to believe that. And it does wonders for the insomnia.

have you guys seen this documentary by Dylan Avery and Korey Rowe? talk about some 9/11 food for thought...

Watch Loose Change via Google video.

The-ere was a funny NY Times article about the Ratchester accent today. I'm afraid I've lahst mine temporarily, but I'm sure that ee-as soon as my Dee-ad arrives in town, it'll come bee-ack to me.

I have not yet signed my contract with Ircam. They required proof that the internship was required by my university in order to receive my degree. It took a little while for the university to get back to me, but I now have all of the papers I need. I have hesitated about calling them to sign...I don't know why.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from one of my professor's who I'd met with a few weeks ago (before I had the Ircam internship) about my professional future. She encouraged me to look into large comm and advertising agencies, where I would have the chance to really progress relatively quickly. But she gave me no contacts, no possibilities. She said she had to think about it. The e-mail said that another professor, who is a partner in a major French advertising company, was interested in speaking to me and possibly offering me an internship within his company. I have a meeting with him next week at the Café Marly.

I received a different e-mail a few days ago from the Louvre saying that they are looking--"urgently"--for someone to take over the maintenance of the Louvre English-language Web site (which is what I did for them as an internship).

Now, I have thought a lot about the possibility of selling out. But I am not really a "go-getter" and usually wait until something falls into my lap, like it has just now. Usually this attitude reduces the number of possible paths and makes my choices relatively clear.

I have also thought a lot about how to succeed in the cultural field. Now, Ircam is cool. And I would probably be able to find a job in the massive French cultural network of France. But would this job lead me to an eventual position of real responsibility? I have enough experience to know that given the choice between someone who has worked for 10 years in cultural institutions and someone who spent 10 years as a consultant for major commercial structures, even the coolest cultural institution will go for the commercial experience when choosing a manager.

Then again, do I really want a career that will define my life or do I just want a way to have some money, low-stress and plenty of room for a family? And so my American side and that Protestant work-ethic clashes with my French side that doesn't see the point in working so hard.

Plus, working for 4 months at an advertising agency, giving up all of my culture contacts that I have cultivated for the past 8 years and having to start anew in a country that doesn't recognize my American diplomas or experiences is a big risk. Tempting, but a risk nonetheless. And I have a feeling that at this moment, when so many other things are changing in my life--my relationship status, my name, my residency, my hair color, my wardrobe--should I keep one constant or should I just bet it all and let the ball drop where it will?

that I would stop taking Blogthings quizzes. But it is so hard...

You Are Krusty the Clown

You were the class clown as a kid, and you still entertain people. From faking your own death to getting a wacky boob job, you'll do anything for a laugh. You will be remembered for: your face being everywhere, from cereal to home pregnancy tests Your life philosophy: "I heartily endorse this event or product."

Period

I am ordering jewelry for the wedding from the great KK! If you have seen my turn-of-the-century chandelier drop necklace or my crystal cage necklace and want to get in on the action, all you have to do is check out the KKjewelry blog and get in touch.

Word on the street is there is a new collection of caged flowers about to be sprung for spring...

- The Pink Panther (2006 remake): I didn't want to see it, but I don't regret it. Worth it simply for Inspector Clouseau's intimate discovery of the hamburger

- The most recent episode of The O.C.: it was a development episode and pretty mediocre, except perhaps for the fact that Sandy Cohen is beginning to slip into the Newpsie underworld he so despises. The saddle seems to be slipping on his white horse. Will he be able to hang on?

- The Falls by Joyce Carol Oates: I have a morbid attraction this novel that begins with a newlywed throwing himself over Niagara Falls. Yikes...

- French hiphop music videos: Booba (the French 50 cent)=lame; Diam (the French Missy Elliott)=fun.

- The Producers soundtrack: Yeah, this just makes me happy.

- Gods of War, Playstation2: We got past the gorgons and the cyclops, but this doesn't mean it won't give me nightmares.

Voila!

As you probably have noticed, Mandounette is undergoing esthetic surgery. I was sick of the green theme and am moving on to something much more...well, I am not exactly sure what it is, but change feels good. I hope that it will breathe new life into Mandounette. Much like its creator, Mandounette is desperate to release its inner magenta.

PLUS, I have finally updated my sidebar links. Zibili, Gringoman, and the eNinja are all back in business, plus we welcome fellow April 1 traveler, karebear, to the blogosphere as she starts a new life in Charleston, South Carolina. See if you can guess which one is hers.

The Louvre has been replaced with Ircam, the place of business of the moment.

A new logo is being conceived. The mint green mandounette is about to become a vintage item. Get your last looks in now!

I am retrieving my FTP codes from free.fr (lost them in the cyclone that hit my bureau about a year ago) and soon I will be posting pictures again! Yay!

Damn straight!

Your Birthdate: April 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January