I am tired. I yearn for mind-numbing activities when I rarely find myself at home. Yesterday, I watched The Skulls II (which was a direct to DVD release...yeah.) I know the names of contestants on France's Top Model. Every time I pick up House of Leaves, which AssRay brought to me from New York on Carey's recommendation, I make my way to the fridge after about 10 minutes. Every morning, spaced out in the shower, I have the same debate: bike or Metro? I should bike. It's nice out and it's good for me. But I am so tired. What if I get flattened at a traffic circle because I am unfocused? But what if there is another problem on the 5 line and I get there a 1/2 hour late...again?

I often work myself to the brink of whining when I try to figure out what I am doing with my life. Why do I spend so much time preparing for my lessons when I don't really care? What do I truly want to be?

But the other night, walking home from the movies with AssRay, it dawned on me. I no longer need to worry about what I am going to be when I grow up. I am grown up. The time for dreaming and planning is over. I put everything into place between ages 15 and 25. I may not have realized it, but all of my disparate experiences and all of the random people I have met have formed a base, a sort of perpetual motion mechanism that is pushing my life along. And it is very difficult and very stressful to fight against this. Like trying to walk up a down escalator. So, in my long quest to quell my nerves (which have always been a bit edgy) and get a good night's sleep, I think that I just need to ride this wave out.

Yes, I may not have achieved some of the goals I had set for myself when I was leaving high school or leaving college. But my life is not uninteresting and still has great potential for success. If I can stop trying to undermine it with my controlling tendencies (after all, my Wu Tang name is Excessive Dominator).

And no, I am not subscribing to theories of destiny and cosmic predisposition. I will never except a situation that truly makes me miserable. I still believe that in my reactions to events and opportunities, I maintain my self-determination. But I also have learned that I can't control the world. I am not pushy (assertive, if you prefer) nor do I care to be. It stresses me out. This does not mean I am not confident. I just despise conflict and am tired of living contrary to the "pushing and contriving," as Thornton Wilder would say, of my own life.

'Course, I could just be really tired.