Friday, October 15, 2004
I'm having like the worst day ever!
This is a call to action.
Background: In addition to sewing and cooking, my home economics class in middle school consisted of a class based on building self-esteem. I actually remember a lot of this class quite vividly, although I am still trying to figure out how learning how to yo-yo and doing Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was supposed to protect myself from the shame associated with having to wear my "concert clothes" to school when the band had a concert, which meant wearing a skirt, which meant showing my fat legs, or not being able to swing myself up onto the uneven bars in gym class, or making cookies for my French class and forgetting to put sugar in them. In any case, the shame I usually associate exclusively with this period in my life seems to be seething all around me today after a series of events that I am not quite yet distanced enough from to write about. In any case, I have been fighting back the tears since the metro incident at 8 this morning. That makes 5 hours of holding in tears and that is totally not healthy. And so I blog instead of cry. At least it saves me the shame of looking like a nutjob in front of my new classmates.
Anyway, back to Home Ec. Perhaps the activity that left the biggest impression on me was the IALAC sign. IALAC stands for "I Am Loveable and Capable". We were required to wear the signs around for a day and tear a piece of it off everytime someone made us feel bad. The goal was to learn to see when your actions caused other people pain and how you were affected by other people. Then we would repair those wounds by remembering that we are loveable and capable. Well, at least that's how I interpreted it. Of course, it was a big failure as most kids were too terrified to let anyone else see when they were affected. But it didn't fail in the long term, as everytime I get the ashamed middle school feeling, I immediately revert to Mrs. Collins and the IALAC signs.
Today I am feeling neither loveable nor capable and I need a reminder. If you read this, would you help me to remember that I am both of these things. I know this is just a temporary blue period and I need your help to pull me out of it. Anything you could do would be appreciated. An e-card or email, a post card, a letter, a comment. Anything at all. I am very far from my support system and it makes everything seem so much darker.
Background: In addition to sewing and cooking, my home economics class in middle school consisted of a class based on building self-esteem. I actually remember a lot of this class quite vividly, although I am still trying to figure out how learning how to yo-yo and doing Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was supposed to protect myself from the shame associated with having to wear my "concert clothes" to school when the band had a concert, which meant wearing a skirt, which meant showing my fat legs, or not being able to swing myself up onto the uneven bars in gym class, or making cookies for my French class and forgetting to put sugar in them. In any case, the shame I usually associate exclusively with this period in my life seems to be seething all around me today after a series of events that I am not quite yet distanced enough from to write about. In any case, I have been fighting back the tears since the metro incident at 8 this morning. That makes 5 hours of holding in tears and that is totally not healthy. And so I blog instead of cry. At least it saves me the shame of looking like a nutjob in front of my new classmates.
Anyway, back to Home Ec. Perhaps the activity that left the biggest impression on me was the IALAC sign. IALAC stands for "I Am Loveable and Capable". We were required to wear the signs around for a day and tear a piece of it off everytime someone made us feel bad. The goal was to learn to see when your actions caused other people pain and how you were affected by other people. Then we would repair those wounds by remembering that we are loveable and capable. Well, at least that's how I interpreted it. Of course, it was a big failure as most kids were too terrified to let anyone else see when they were affected. But it didn't fail in the long term, as everytime I get the ashamed middle school feeling, I immediately revert to Mrs. Collins and the IALAC signs.
Today I am feeling neither loveable nor capable and I need a reminder. If you read this, would you help me to remember that I am both of these things. I know this is just a temporary blue period and I need your help to pull me out of it. Anything you could do would be appreciated. An e-card or email, a post card, a letter, a comment. Anything at all. I am very far from my support system and it makes everything seem so much darker.
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